Messy Thing Called Life

The Question was asked of me recently, "How do we turn negative Baggage into Positive, consistent, self motivating Goodness?" Well, That is an AWESOME question! And I've got a Lot to say about it, but I'll try to keep it short and sweet! :) First, "negative baggage." The reference in itself has an answer in it. What's your negative baggage? Think about it a bit. Now, If you weren't Judging it in some way, making it good or bad, It's just your "stuff". The "stuff" that makes you who you ARE today.

Everyone has their stuff. Are you regretting things you've done, decisions you've made? Relationships that didn't work out? Our "stuff"(I much prefer that word to" baggage") is what makes us who we are, right at this moment. And RIGHT at this moment, that STUFF that made us who we are, is part of the reason that Someone loves us, respects us, believes we are strong, depends on us. Our Stuff isn't baggage to Others, unless we Lug it around, open it up and beat ourselves up with it, and then tuck it away so we can do it again later. Whatever is in your past, can be relabeled so you can let it go. Were you a victim of something terrible? Relabel. Because you, my friend, are a SURVIVOR. Was that Ex-husband a complete mistake?? I've seen so many amazing kids that are here because of "mistakes" in choosing a partner. Maybe, we can call Him(or her) an amazing learning experience, Where you really learned what you will and will not accept in a partner. Leaving an unsuitable partner means you stood up for yourself, you learned about Loving yourself a little, and you made yourself a priority. And THAT, is a good thing! Maybe you are regretting a chance you didn't take. You can BOTH turn this into a "I let it slip by because I know more good things are on the way," and, "I forgive myself for missing that one! Because if I keep looking back to the past, the NEXT chance is most likely going to pass right by unnoticed! "

The people I've met, with the biggest, most giving hearts, are often the hardest on themselves. And more often then not, are the most likely to hold on to their past mistakes or choices and Judge them, and refuse to let them go.

If you want to turn that negative baggage into positive, motivating goodness, you First have to let go of judgement of self. I know you wouldn't judge a friend the way you let your inner voice speak to you. Take EACH thing in your life that you consider "negative baggage." Sit with it, and Relabel it. Make it NOT negative. If you simply can't find the right way to turn something to make it positive, forgive yourself for whatever it is, With Love, the way you would forgive your dearest friend, or your child. With practice, you won't be Bogged Down by the negatives in your past. Be vigilant when those things crop up, and try to reclassify, and relabel, every time they surface.

With practice, you will uplifted by all you have been through, and how far you have come. With practice, that "negative baggage", really can be something that you are Proud of, the twists and turns of the very real, messy, unpredictable thing we are here to experience, called life. And if you've made it this far, through all of that, What AREN'T you capable of?

The Precious Present

There is so much going on in life right now.  For me. For you.  In our country, we consistently get less sleep, and DO more, than at any other time in history.  For myself, I am trying to be a good employee. Well, a Great one.  For some reason, middle of the pack has never set well with me. It's a personal desire to do my very best, whatever I am doing. I place unrealistic expectations on myself, for just about any goal I set.  I am trying to be a better spouse.  Let's face it, people with unrealistic expectations of themselves probably don't limit those to being exclusively self-related.  I am enrolled in on-line classes to become a health coach. So my expectations of my eating, sleeping, and exercise habits are of course higher than ever before. I expect myself to prepare a decent healthy dinner most nights of the week, because that is what a good spouse does.  Our house is on the market now, and so the places I let things slide usually, as I am usually exhausted from trying to be a super-woman, can no longer slide. Dishes shouldn't sit, laundry may not live in a pile until worn again.  And Above all Else, I am trying to be a better Me.  

With all of these expectations that I place on myself, hanging over my head, I am usually going in three directions at once.  Work is hectic, and it's very difficult to stay on top of things.  A peek inside my work-mind looks something like this. "Smile at the customer Chris, you aren't engaging! Why are pomegranates flying? Did I order enough? Why are we backup cashiering again? Mental tally says that's three times in a row, Share the Love with the other departments, People! Shoot, I forgot to log the invoice, cardboard cart is almost full, log it when I go back to the backroom to dump cardboard...WHY isn't the truck here yet?! Still need to do markdowns..when did I schedule my closer??"

That's just work. That's not my home time, when I am thinking about how "I need to call my Dad, it's been too long since we've talked, I wonder if he's doing okay this week, Sis hasn't called either, don't think I'll be able to afford shopping with a friend this week, we really need to hang out more than we do, need to get the dog into the vet soon, I think I need an oil change, still need to put air in the tire, how can I keep forgetting? I forgot to buy cilantro, I should make something else for dinner, I really need to listen to some lectures, but I'm so tired I won't remember anything even with note-taking, DANG IT! I forgot to make a payment online today!"      

I'm exhausted by reading that, and almost embarrassed at how accurate that can be.  All this, As I am striving to be more Grateful, how can I make time for THAT too??  Bottom line, I'm not living in the NOW.  I'm living in the "Oh shoot, I forgot" past, and the "what if I don't get it done?" future.  So how to make the change? I know what I'm doing, I KNOW it's hectic and unhealthy.  And I know, if I just cut myself some slack, that everything will be smoother in the long run, with nothing to gain but a little peace and joy. The thought of trying to FORCE meditation time into my schedule causes a visceral reaction, where is there time for THAT?    Well, I can't very well coach other people into finding balance in their lives, until I MAKE a little in my own. 

For the next few days, I am going to MAKE time. There will be an EARLY alarm, so I can get up and Eat, and log my gratitudes for the day. And free write a little, to help me organize and declutter my Brain.  In the Car on the way to work, I will sing with the radio, because it stills my busy brain.  And at night, I will set an alarm for Bedtime. Because you can't be in the present when your mind is still under the covers.  In my last post, I mentioned how I am not a very Present person. This is what I mean.  I can't remember those little details that make people know how special they are, because I can't still my mind long enough to absorb them. It's not a lack of Wanting to, by any means.  And there will be lists. Because I don't have to keep everything in my mind. I can put things onto paper, and let it carry the weight. I want to be Here for the people who have been here for me, for so long. I want to remember those details that make people know they are loved. I want to See in someone's eyes that they seem to be having an off day, and hear the little tone in their voice that says they aren't telling me all they Really need to say.  I hope to be able to come back and post that my experiment here was a Huge success, but I am not going to put that added pressure on myself as well. I am simply going to Try, for a few days, to do a little better. Wish me luck!

The Journey

It seems that I have been searching for answers for years.  Answers to why I can be cranky, why I am a foot-stomping child at times, why I can be selfish, all very unbecoming traits for a grown woman.  I have read dozens of books, hundreds of articles, on how to be a happier Me.  Always, the answer comes back to Gratitude. Be Grateful, and appreciate what you do have, and happiness invariably follows. Okay, easy enough, right? Of course, life tends to throw us curve-balls. We can be traveling along in our happy grateful place, and something will side-line us. If we are adept at practicing gratitude, we immediately try to find the blessing in the lesson. There is supposed to be one in everything that catches us off guard, and usually if you look hard enough, you can find one, even if it seems feeble and you are slightly uncommitted to it.

In March of this year, I was given the greatest curve-ball of my relatively uneventful life. My Mom died. I don't usually use that word. Died. It's a terrible word. I avoid it at all costs.  I like to say,"She passed Over."  There, that's much softer, isn't it? Sounds gentle, like, "she's out of town."   Well, as far as my spiritual beliefs go, she is Out of Town, and although the reception is terrible, she does try to get through a call now and then. I guess it's more like a telegraph, when you aren't sure the operator knows what he is doing. Still, better than no messages at all. But I digress.   Until this year, I really didn't understand what loss felt like. I lost a grandpa and grandma that I loved very much, even though they weren't blood relatives. Years of minimal contact, and knowing how bad their health was, eased those moments for me more than I would have thought it could. Mom, however, was a part of my daily life. I lived a thousand miles away, but we would call and visit regularly. She would shop with me, listen to me, guide me. She was my best friend. She would have recipes handy, remind me what was on my shopping list, remember the names of people I worked with and ask really meaningful questions about something I mentioned in passing. I have realized since she left, that nobody listens like that. No-one asks those questions that let you know you really, truly matter and are special.  Not like a Mom does. 

Of course, all of this loss, devestation, and self-pity, to be honest, made me do a lot of thinking. So much thinking I just got tired of thinking. One day, when trying not to think, and feeling very sorry for myself at the fridge,(who doesn't go to the fridge to at least Look when they are feeling sorry for themselves?) I saw the memorial flyer I had made for her service.  I keep it there because it is beautiful and she would have loved the graphics I chose. The hummingbird on the front is simple, and blends beautifully with the color I chose for the words spelling out her name and the dates she came into this world and left it. For some reason, her name jumped out at me. My mothers name.  Her name was Vita Grace. Her grandmother named her, and it means Graceful Life.

I realized in that moment, that I was not living in a state of grace. I was not living in a way that celebrated who she was, and certainly wasn't living up to her given name, in any way. Despite all of my years of reading and searching and trying to be a "Happy, Better Person," I didn't even know who I was trying to be until that moment. 

Living from a state of Grace, a state of appreciation for all that you have, and all of those around you, doesn't really mean, "Being Happy."  That is a selfish endeavor. Truly appreciating all that you have, and doing good because it is good to do, not because it makes you feel good, that is grace. And if you live that way, happiness follows without effort.  She was always teaching us about doing good deeds, and I have always tried to do kind things. That day at the fridge, staring at that little folded piece of paper above the ice-maker, I realized my motivations had been very ungracious. I was flooded with memories of all of the ways that she was kind without expectation, that she showed love just by being present. Truly present. That's a big one. I'm sure I'll have an entire post on being present later. I am not a Present person, and it's a hard and humbling thing to realize.

I am still having the random epiphanies on how I have not been living in a way that I am proud of. Now, I am not by any means saying I am a bad person. I am nice enough, friendly enough, and am giving when it occurs to me to be so. I don't know why it took this huge Wound in my heart from losing her, to open me up enough to see how much room I have to actually do better. This blog is my attempt to remind myself how much room I have to grow, and to reflect and explore the lessons I have learned, but perhaps not really taken to heart the full depth of their importance. It's a place for me to share those parts of her that were just amazing while I try to cultivate more of them in myself. And, it's a place to share my journey with others, so hopefully, they don't have to lose someone important to them before they realize how genuinely rewarding and beautiful it is, to live life more gracefully.