The Precious Present

There is so much going on in life right now.  For me. For you.  In our country, we consistently get less sleep, and DO more, than at any other time in history.  For myself, I am trying to be a good employee. Well, a Great one.  For some reason, middle of the pack has never set well with me. It's a personal desire to do my very best, whatever I am doing. I place unrealistic expectations on myself, for just about any goal I set.  I am trying to be a better spouse.  Let's face it, people with unrealistic expectations of themselves probably don't limit those to being exclusively self-related.  I am enrolled in on-line classes to become a health coach. So my expectations of my eating, sleeping, and exercise habits are of course higher than ever before. I expect myself to prepare a decent healthy dinner most nights of the week, because that is what a good spouse does.  Our house is on the market now, and so the places I let things slide usually, as I am usually exhausted from trying to be a super-woman, can no longer slide. Dishes shouldn't sit, laundry may not live in a pile until worn again.  And Above all Else, I am trying to be a better Me.  

With all of these expectations that I place on myself, hanging over my head, I am usually going in three directions at once.  Work is hectic, and it's very difficult to stay on top of things.  A peek inside my work-mind looks something like this. "Smile at the customer Chris, you aren't engaging! Why are pomegranates flying? Did I order enough? Why are we backup cashiering again? Mental tally says that's three times in a row, Share the Love with the other departments, People! Shoot, I forgot to log the invoice, cardboard cart is almost full, log it when I go back to the backroom to dump cardboard...WHY isn't the truck here yet?! Still need to do markdowns..when did I schedule my closer??"

That's just work. That's not my home time, when I am thinking about how "I need to call my Dad, it's been too long since we've talked, I wonder if he's doing okay this week, Sis hasn't called either, don't think I'll be able to afford shopping with a friend this week, we really need to hang out more than we do, need to get the dog into the vet soon, I think I need an oil change, still need to put air in the tire, how can I keep forgetting? I forgot to buy cilantro, I should make something else for dinner, I really need to listen to some lectures, but I'm so tired I won't remember anything even with note-taking, DANG IT! I forgot to make a payment online today!"      

I'm exhausted by reading that, and almost embarrassed at how accurate that can be.  All this, As I am striving to be more Grateful, how can I make time for THAT too??  Bottom line, I'm not living in the NOW.  I'm living in the "Oh shoot, I forgot" past, and the "what if I don't get it done?" future.  So how to make the change? I know what I'm doing, I KNOW it's hectic and unhealthy.  And I know, if I just cut myself some slack, that everything will be smoother in the long run, with nothing to gain but a little peace and joy. The thought of trying to FORCE meditation time into my schedule causes a visceral reaction, where is there time for THAT?    Well, I can't very well coach other people into finding balance in their lives, until I MAKE a little in my own. 

For the next few days, I am going to MAKE time. There will be an EARLY alarm, so I can get up and Eat, and log my gratitudes for the day. And free write a little, to help me organize and declutter my Brain.  In the Car on the way to work, I will sing with the radio, because it stills my busy brain.  And at night, I will set an alarm for Bedtime. Because you can't be in the present when your mind is still under the covers.  In my last post, I mentioned how I am not a very Present person. This is what I mean.  I can't remember those little details that make people know how special they are, because I can't still my mind long enough to absorb them. It's not a lack of Wanting to, by any means.  And there will be lists. Because I don't have to keep everything in my mind. I can put things onto paper, and let it carry the weight. I want to be Here for the people who have been here for me, for so long. I want to remember those details that make people know they are loved. I want to See in someone's eyes that they seem to be having an off day, and hear the little tone in their voice that says they aren't telling me all they Really need to say.  I hope to be able to come back and post that my experiment here was a Huge success, but I am not going to put that added pressure on myself as well. I am simply going to Try, for a few days, to do a little better. Wish me luck!